sovbooks Chapter 70: out of memories
Chapter 70: out of memories
Rose povRose lay sprawled on the cold ground, her body trembling, clutching her head as memories crashed through her mind, flooding her with a relentless torrent of images and feelings she hadn't known, and yet somehow had always been a part of her. The memories the ones she had been shielded from came like waves of razor-sharp glass, slicing through her heart and mind.
For several agonizing minutes, she lay there, her breaths shallow and gasping. Each heartbeat brought fresh, searing pain as if her mind and body were at war, trying to reconcile her present self with the realization of her past. She gasped, clutching her chest as though she could hold her heart together. Then finally, the physical pain eased, leaving only the deep, raw ache of regret and a sense of loss that felt bottomless.
"Haaah… haaah…" Rose whispered hoarsely, her breath ragged and uneven. She lay back, her arms limp, staring blankly at the ceiling as tears continued to slip down her cheeks, leaving tracks across her skin that burned like fresh wounds. Each tear felt heavy, weighed down by the memories of Lucian the memories of her little brother throwing himself in front of her to take bullets meant for her, sacrificing himself without a second thought.
And she hadn't remembered. Not until now.
She raised a shaky hand to her face, her fingertips brushing against her tear-soaked skin as if she couldn't believe it was real, that it wasn't just some horrific dream. But it was real. Lucian's sacrifice, his blood, his battered body covering hers to shield her, the haunting image of his weak, but unwavering smile as he looked up at her, telling her he had protected her it was all real. And she had forgotten.
"Lucian… oh, Lucian…" she whispered, her voice breaking. Fresh tears welled up and slipped from her eyes, streaming down her face and pooling on the ground below her. She felt hollow, her heart constricting painfully, writhing under the weight of guilt that now sat like a boulder on her chest.
"I am so sorry, Lucy," she choked, her voice a mere whisper, raw with emotion. "I… I'm such a disgusting person. How could I… how could I ever have forgotten?" Her voice wavered, her whole body wracked with sobs as she lay there, consumed by the weight of her regret. "I don't… I don't deserve your sacrifice. I don't deserve… I don't deserve you," she whispered, her words punctuated by broken sobs.
Her mind replayed the scene in sickening clarity, each moment bringing a fresh wave of anguish: Lucian's blood, his innocent face pale as he took those bullets for her, the softness in his voice even as he struggled to breathe. And that smile the gentle, broken smile that said he had done it gladly for her. The memory of him, barely holding on, his lips trembling but still trying to reassure her it was more than she could bear.
"No… no, no, no," she whispered, clutching her chest, her fingers digging into her skin as if she could somehow rid herself of the ache by tearing herself apart. "Why didn't I remember? Why did I… why did I forget him?" She lay on the floor, her body curling in on itself, her breaths coming in short, pained gasps as the full weight of her failure bore down on her.
"He took everything on himself… he cared so much, and I… I forgot him," she whispered, voice thick with self-loathing. "I was so unworthy… all those years... all those times I ignored him…" The shame was suffocating, pressing down on her until she felt like she was drowning.
She closed her eyes, but it only made the memories sharper, more vivid. She saw him again, his blood-smeared face, his eyes filled with that unshakable determination and warmth, even as his life slipped away. His voice echoed in her mind, a fragile whisper: "I kept you safe… that's all that matters."
The words hit her like a physical blow, and her whole body trembled, her hands clutching her head as she sobbed. "Why? Why did I ever let myself believe he didn't matter? Why did I act like he was a burden… like he was nothing?" Her voice was filled with anguish, each word like a confession of the worst sins she had ever committed.
And now, to know that Lucian had gone through such pain, that he had taken those bullets without hesitation, and that she had somehow erased it from her mind, forgetting the very brother who had given everything for her she couldn't bear it. She felt a wave of nausea, her mind recoiling at the realization of how cruel she had been in her ignorance. She felt as though she were unraveling, her very soul splitting apart under the weight of her shame.
Her sobs grew quieter, fading into a hollow, haunted silence as she lay there, her arm covering her face as she lay motionless. Her tears dripped down, pooling around her, and she stared blankly at the ceiling above her, lost in the abyss of her guilt.
In her heart, she heard Lucian's voice, calm and steady, and felt his hand once more. "Just believe in me, Rose… Trust me, no matter what. I'll keep you safe."
As the weight of her guilt bore down on her, Rose brought her arm up to cover her face, as if hiding herself from the shame that washed over her. Tears streamed down her cheeks, spilling freely, but she made no attempt to wipe them away. She lay there on the cold floor, face hidden, her heart splitting open under the unbearable ache of remorse. There was no one there to witness her pain, yet she felt exposed, as if even the walls themselves condemned her.
A torrent of memories rushed forward, dark and cruel moments she had long since buried. She saw herself speaking with cold detachment, a bitter sneer on her face as she criticized her own brother Lucian to others. Her own words echoed back to her with a venom she barely recognized, and each syllable stung like a thousand needles piercing her soul.
"I know him best. I'm his sister, after all. Lucian? He's just a disappointment, an embarrassment. A person like him doesn't deserve anything," she remembered saying, her tone full of disdain, as she spoke to his business competitors. She had even shared strategies on how to undermine him, casting him aside as though he meant nothing. She had plotted to strip him of what little he had worked for, to see him brought low.
Her mind spiraled, bringing forth more memories, each more painful than the last. She remembered a particular conversation with Avey the girl Lucian had loved so dearly. "It's a good thing you keep rejecting him. Let me apologize on behalf of my brother's… pathetic behavior," she had told Avery, feigning kindness while lacing her words with malice. "We weren't able to raise him right. He's always been so… needy, so weak. He's a product of privilege, born with a silver spoon, without the drive or discipline."
The memory felt like poison now, tainting her thoughts, making her stomach twist in horror. She had spoken so freely, so callously about him. She had convinced herself that he was unworthy, beneath her an unwanted presence in her life. In that moment, she saw her past self as if she were a stranger, someone heartless, someone she could hardly recognize.
Her voice trembled, barely more than a broken whisper as she lay there, repeating the words over and over, "I'm sorry… I'm sorry, Lucian. I am so, so sorry." Her voice cracked with each apology, the weight of those two simple words feeling both empty and utterly inadequate for the pain she had inflicted.
Why? The question haunted her, echoing in her mind. Why had she done it? Why had she hated him so much? She